Expect the Expected

If you expected it, why are you frustrated?

As I attempt to make progress in my attempt to sculpt my personality in a more stoic direction I maintain a note card with "six daily reminders."  The fourth reads, "Expect everything to act according to its nature." 

As I write, however, I realize this can be shortened to merely "Expect the expected."

The things that upset us most regularly are not the unpredictable events that fly out of left field.  Most of the time we are angered, distracted, frustrated by events which are often quite mundane and expected.  It is the banal which so often annoys to the point of distraction or outburst. 

This strikes me as a bit ironic.  I would think that we would get frustrated when our plans are disrupted in some fashion.  If our plans are disrupted by the predictable, it is not the fault of the predictable, but rather unrealistic or naive planning, and responsibility for that falls on the planner. 

Rush hour traffic is going to be rush hour traffic.  It does not take us by surprise but by denying it in our planning for the day, even by wishing things were different than they are, rush hour becomes a source of stress.  We may have to deal with it but we need not be upset by it.

Teenagers lack the experience to put their situation in perspective yet they have many of the powers of adulthood.  This potent combination results in poor decision-making and often in being a pain in their parents' ass.  If you are a parent or work with teenagers, you may have to deal with it but we need not be upset by it.  It is a predictable aspect of dealing with them. 


Institutional bureaucracy can be a nightmare to confront, especially if you are pressed for time, but it too can be anticipated.  Navigate it, avoid it, or reform it, but attempting to deny its reality, to enter a situation as if it did not exist, is just plain foolishness.  If you do so, it will only lay the foundation for frustration.

At some level of our subconscious we want to embrace the comforting lie: "I will be able to drive down the road with the same ease at 4 o'clock in the afternoon as 8 o'clock at night," "I've raised him right, he will not take this relationship too seriously," "one quick phone call and I will be able to sort out this mistake," among so many others.  The more experience we gain, however, the fewer excuses we have for not expecting the expected.  Expecting to get caught in traffic is the first step to accepting it.

These are just three quick examples where I can find myself becoming frustrated.  Each requires a degree of effort to change my expectations.  You can make your own list of those situations where you become predictably upset.  If it is predictable, it is possible to prepare and the first preparation is to accept the reality of the expected.

Emergency Room doctors are going to act like Emergency Room doctors.  Fundamentalists, regardless of their creed (including fundamentalist atheists), are going to act like fundamentalists.  Your Dad is going to act like your Dad.  Cars are going to break down.  Favorite coffee cups are going to break.  That person you married, they're going to change over time but probably not in the way you want them to. 

While I have focused on the most common experiences which disturb us, the same principle applies to those less frequent events which invoke frustration, sadness or angst.  Your are a living being and living beings die.  You do not do it every day.  It will only happen once, but it will happen and it is to be expected.  If you are a parent, it should be observed, your child will die at some future date as well.  The event should be expected even if the timing can not.

Death is often most upsetting when we allow our preferences of how and when these things should happen lead us into denial that we are limited in our power to bring those preferences to reality.  Sure, I can watch my diet and make sure my kids where a bicycle helmet as they leave the house but there are more ways to die than our ability to predict or power to act.

Want peace of mind?  Ingrain within yourself the expectation that everything to act according to its nature. 

Want to be live well?  Hone in within yourself your own best nature and then engage in the world as you find it.  How things are, is outside of your control.  Whether you acknowledge and expect every reality from traffic this afternoon to death, is within your control. 

With regard to whatever objects give you delight, are useful, or are deeply loved, remember to tell yourself of what general nature they are, beginning from the most insignificant things. If, for example, you are fond of a specific ceramic cup, remind yourself that it is only ceramic cups in general of which you are fond. Then, if it breaks, you will not be disturbed. If you kiss your child, or your wife, say that you only kiss things which are human, and thus you will not be disturbed if either of them dies.

Enchiridion 3