If the Universe is not Meeting Your Expectations,

I carry a note card in my wallet.  On it are six sentences, mostly drawn from the ancient stoics, that I seek to remember as I go through my day.  The first reads,

1.  If the universe is not meeting your expectations, it is not the universe's fault.

Let's face it, delusions can be comforting.  The idea struck me most abruptly when I worked with a guy of strong political views who when cornered by contrary facts or logic would respond, "Well, I prefer to believe..."At least he was self-aware enough to understand that he was basing his beliefs on preference rather than rationality.

The charm diminishes for each year out of college.

I would prefer to believe that I can dance, that does not make it so.  I would prefer to believe that I am as handsome as Robert Redford, that does not make it so.  I would prefer to believe that all children are above average and that there are no sexual predators in the world.  Again, belief makes none of these statements true, though there can be emotional comfort in believing a comforting myth but it does not change the underlying reality.

Fifteen years ago I read a story of a paraplegic who purchased a specially modified motorcycle.  He was unfamiliar with how the safety features worked and he failed to strap his legs securely in place.  Within a mile his riding boots had been thrown off and his legs were flapping in the wind, but he had to continue the twenty mile drive to his destination.  "It's not like I could hop off the bike and pick them up" he noted afterwards.  When he arrived at his destination his leg was badly burned from coming up against the exhaust pipe.  "Gee," he quipped, "that looks like it hurts."

While prefering to believe something can numb us to harsh realities, these beliefs are a disadvantage when they prevent us from responding to that which is doing harm. If we misread reality, reality does not go away but our misunderstanding can do us both physical harm but, more to the immediate point, emotional harm, as our expectations prove to be fundamentally misaligned.  Commenting upon the nature of reality we could not do much better than the science fiction author Philip K. Dick who wrote,

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Or to revise the statement, that which exists in the midst of our disbelief is reality.  Our beliefs about a thing shape our expectations of it.  When our beliefs, and following them our expectations, conflict with "that which will not go away," the problem is not outside of us but within.   If the universe is not the way we would choose it to be, the problem is not with the universe.

If you find yourself disappointed in the world,  I, for one, am sympathetic to that feeling.  Been there, done thought, bought the t-shirt, as they say.  The path forward is simple in retrospect but difficult in the moment, alter your expectations, so they are more congruent with reality.  Listen to alternative points of view as to understand them, do not merely seek to rebut them or excuse yourself from their grasp. 

If your career is not working out like you planned, change your expectations of that career, and then decide whether to accept your current position or seek a new start.  Is your new car not bringing you as much joy as you anticipated?  Was it the fault of the car manufacturer or was your level of expectation unrealistic?  Relationships a bust?  What are you seeking from the other people?  Is that realistic?

If we would learn from our experiences we must treat our expectations of the universe as so many hypotheses.  The longer we hold onto bad ones, the less time we have to pursue those that more accurately reflect reality.

Treat with utmost respect your power for forming opinions, for this power alone guards you against making assumptions that are contrary to nature and judgments that overthrow the rule of reason.  It enables you to learn from experience, to live in harmony with others, and to walk in the way of the gods.

Marcus Aurelius, The Emperor's Handbook 3.9



Part Two: Being Disturbed is a Choice.